Parents' Stories

Dear Helen

I have, at last, read your wonderful book: Cleo ... , laughing and crying all the way through!

My son Daniel, then aged 24, died in an epilepsy-related incident in October 2006. Last year a close friend gave me your book, but I have only just found the courage to read it - and I wish I had done so sooner. I will be passing it on to my mother - cat-lover extraordinaire - who, like us all, continues to grieve for our Daniel.

Like you, I have a grandchild - my daughter, now 32, presented us with the beautiful Grace just two years ago: the best consolation possible.

I hope at some point to have the courage to do what you did, and tell my own and Daniel's story more intimately - I wrote the first part all those years ago but when editors said "It needs an ending" I never dreamed what that ending would be. Daniel once said, "Write about me, Mum" - but somehow that makes it harder.

So you'll understand why I loved and admired your book.

Blessings to you and your family, as you enjoy the new little one - and keep writing!

Sincerely,
Suzanne Yanko

Dear Helen

I have just finished reading 'Cleo' and like so many others feel compelled to write to thank you for putting into words how those who have lost our beloved children feel.

We lost one of our twin sons, Philip (also with one 'l'), in an accident in 1981 at the tender age of four. We slowly managed, as you did, to pick up our shattered lives and take comfort from the love we shared in our now family of 4 rather than 5. A few years later a cheeky tabby kitten named Minty came into our family home and immediately chose Nigel (Philip's twin) as her soulmate. We all loved Minty for her adventurous, mischievous nature but the extra bond with Nigel was very apparent. We were lucky to have Minty with us for 21 years and could relate to the articles you wrote about living with an elderly cat. Minty quite often had an almost aloof attitude and certainly had the look of someone 'regal'. She spent her last 8 years living with Nigel and his partner gracing their home with her presence.

I have laughed, cried and related to so much in the book which I couldn't put down.

Life is so precarious and the learning curve we travelled through Philip's loss has partially prepared and is helping me cope with another major loss.

Heartfelt thanks
Jan

I have just completed ' Cleo How an Uppity Cat Helped Heal A Family ' and I want you to know how touched I was by this amazing book.

We had many parallels, our son died of leukaemia when he was almost 4 in 1983; our husbands both had successful vasectomy reversals and we both had precious daughters. We were also transferred back to Auckland. Our stories are the same, yet different. We also had a cat, our son named him Wilson ( not sure where that came from ). The night before our son went into hospital Wilson would not leave his bed and dug his claws into the bedding. The night our son died Wilson, for the first time ever, went onto the road and was hit by a car and climbed up into the pool table. We also had a ' tough vet.

When he found out our son had just died, he came to the house, coaxed the cat out from inside the pool table, and became ' soft vet ' and did all in his power to ensure Wilson survived even though this meant his eyelid was stitched down for several weeks complete with a button sewn on to the lid to stop him from scratching and an enormous vet's bill !!!! Wilson also loved unconditionally and was a wonderful ' support ' during this terrible time.

Although I still teach, I completed my counselling papers last year and have used my ' experience ' as a ' bereaved parent ' to work alongside newly bereaved parents.

There were parts of your story that were my story and the tears flowed but I also hold on to the precious memories of my son and see every day as a precious gift.

Thank you for this beautiful book.
Kind regards
Marie

Dear Helen,

I've just read Cleo, and to say that it moved me is an understatement.My husband and I lost our 6 day old baby 9 months ago, our first born. Her name was Sunayna. 6 weeks later a flea ridden lost kitten found her way into our home, the vet told us that she was six weeks old, the same age that my daughter would have been at that time. At first I felt insulted that a replacement had been sent in the form of a cat, but she worked her way into our hearts, and she's the queen of our home and of our hearts.

Two months later an abandoned puppy came into our lives. I guess in many ways we are lucky that these beautiful animals decided to come into our lives and help us in ways that no human could have.

And thank you for sharing your story.

Good wishes to your family.

Love, Anu
Ipoh, Malaysia

Dear Helen

I have just finished reading 'Cleo' and like so many others feel compelled to write to thank you for putting into words how those who have lost our beloved children feel.

We lost one of our twin sons, Philip (also with one 'l'), in an accident in 1981 at the tender age of four. We slowly managed, as you did, to pick up our shattered lives and take comfort from the love we shared in our now family of 4 rather than 5. A few years later a cheeky tabby kitten named Minty came into our family home and immediately chose Nigel (Philip's twin) as her soulmate. We all loved Minty for her adventurous, mischievous nature but the extra bond with Nigel was very apparent. We were lucky to have Minty with us for 21 years and could relate to the articles you wrote about living with an elderly cat. Minty quite often had an almost aloof attitude and certainly had the look of someone 'regal'. She spent her last 8 years living with Nigel and his partner gracing their home with her presence.

I have laughed, cried and related to so much in the book which I couldn't put down.

Life is so precarious and the learning curve we travelled through Philip's loss has partially prepared and is helping me cope with another major loss.

Heartfelt thanks
Jan

Dear Helen,
I've just finished reading your book "Cleo, how an uppity cat helped heal a family" and I just had to contact you.

Last year my 10 month old baby boy Tama died suddenly and tragically. The last year and a half has been the most saddest/angriest/horrible/ dreadful/intense/frustrating/undescribable /heart wrenching time ever for my husband Pierre my 4 year old daughter Pearl and me . Only a couple of weeks after Tama died we decided that we had to have another baby and soon after I fell pregnant again with our now 7 month old beautiful boy Ludo. We feel that Ludo is Tama's gift to us, you're right it is possible to be incredibly sad and happy at the same time.

Thank You for writing this incredible insightful book, I felt at times when I was reading your story I was reading my story. Cleo helped heal your family and by sharing your story you are helping to heal others including our family. After reading your book I feel hopeful (not sure if that is the right word), life does go on.

I wish you and your family all the best
Karamia

Hi Helen,
I have just read Cleo. Last December our beautiful 15 year old son Sam was waiting at our rural mailbox in Golden Bay with his sister Pippa for a ride to their hockey game. Their ride was late and when she pulled over onto the other side of the road he just quickly looked and crossed eager to get to the last game of the season. He was hit by an oncoming car. I sat with him unconcious on the side of the road waiting for the ambulance. We flew in the rescue helicopter to Wellington hospital and Sam went on life support. In the morning he was declared braindead and so our family ( we have three other lovely children) witnessed various tests used to legally prove he is dead. One of these tests involved turning off the respirator operating his lungs and seeing if it will trigger a response and Sam would breathe. We all sat in silence for ten minutes and his heart just kept beating even though he never breathed. Sometimes life feels like that, your heart goes on beating even though you have died. It is such a huge shock to go from the domestic normality of making tea to hospital dramas. Then life is ordinary again. I couldn't comprehend how life just went on, the summer sun shone, we all looked the same etc. and yet our Sam wasn't with us. We did bring Sam's body back with us to our home and had him in his bed for a week which for us felt right. He did look very peaceful and it gave us time to start soaking the truth of it up. Weeks before we had just got a new puppy Maisy because Sam's old dog had died. When we didn't watch her she would run in there growling at Sam's body trying to get him up to play. In the tragic state our home was in it was a bit of releif that she had no respect for our sorrow and just wanted him to play with her. We spent time with him and his friends visited to say goodbye. We had a public celebration of his life and then a few days later a very intimate burial which I thought would be overwhelming but the kids were in there having a great time shovelling soil into his grave and then using their hands to scoop it up. It seemed bizarre that there was laughter but reassuring too that life was still good and if he had been alive he would have been doing that too. I like to believe in spirit he is with us but he is not here making dreadful jokes at our dinner table and still growing into an awesome young man . I miss him so much. It is a long journey making peace with death and learning how to be so deeply sad and also to enjoy the great things I still have in my life. Thanks for sharing your story.
Warm regards,
Jo

Hi Helen,
Thankyou for your kind letter as I am sure you are very busy. I felt compelled to share a little of our Sam's story with you as it is such an adjustment from living with a lively loving boy who was central in our lifes to an empty space at the table. I guess a letter is a way of declaring that this is what happened and that Sam lived and his life is important as it does feel strange and sometimes even wrong that life goes on without him. We decided to homeschool our children when I was full of idealism and philosophy and so Sam was around home until he was 12 so we knew each other very well. He had a wonderful childhood full of great friends and endless playing and adventures and he was enjoying high school so his life was rich.

The day he died was prizegiving and he was getting an award for academic excellence which showed his determination as he didn't start reading until he was 11.

Michael Rosen said in The Sad Book I loved him very much but he died anyway which I guess is it. Dying doesn't diminish any of my love for him I just have to find new ways to express it. We chose to donate Sam's organs and last week we had a letter from a double lung recipient and it made the donation very real, the lungs Sam breathed with have now have given life to a young man which is very moving for us. I have sent a wee photo of Sam as I just wanted you to get a feeling for him.You are welcome to use my email and if it is of any comfort to anybody then that would be a wonderful thing.

Warm Regards,
Jo

I sat reading an extract from Helen’s book with tears running down my face as it reminded me so much of my own situation. Our lovely little boy, Renzo, was killed six months ago when a truck crossed the centre line. He was 10 weeks shy of his fourth birthday and the shock that came from his death is still evident now.

I could understand exactly what Helen was saying about visitors as I didn’t want to see anyone, no matter how helpful or kind they were. I just wanted to world to go away and leave me to my sorrow. After all, their lives were carrying on much the same as they were before while my son was gone forever.

As in Helen’s case, a kitten came into our lives and brought a little cheer too. Five weeks after Renzo’s death little Katie cat turned up at our ranchslider , crying to be let in and refusing to leave.

She is funny in that way only a kitten can be. When I am crying she jumps onto my lap to rub her nose against me. I believe that animals are intuitive, the same as young children, and a vital part of recovery after immense grief like ours.

I went straight out to buy Helen’s book, and hope it can provide me with some hope for our own future. Thank you, Helen, for tackling such a hard subject. I know many “mothers of angels” who will be grateful for a real life guide to getting through the pain.

Rachel Thomas

Hi! Helen
Just had a quick look on your website. I have just finished reading your wonderful book loved it. I have told lots of my friends & family about the book.

Cleo what an amazing cat. I laughed/cried & was quite sad at times. I wasn’t a cat person but I definitely have a different view of cats after reading your book. I am more of a dog person which we had a German Shepherd & had to put him to sleep at 14yrs of age. I certainly cried lots of tears when that happened.

I was so sad to read about Sam’s death & especially his little brother Rob having to witness the accident that must have been so traumatic for a little boy to witness, I guess there was some consolation in knowing that he never died alone that someone was with him I know what you were going through because I lost my eldest son Paul a few years ago & he died alone, he was 29yrs old but his case was different in the fact that he had a choice, he committed suicide but it still doesn’t make the pain & grief any easier to bear. It was very hard on all of the family especially as we didn’t even know he was depressed he hid it very well it came as terrible shock to us, it had quite an effect on his two brothers because they were very close but even they failed to pick up his depression. It took myself & my sons quite a while to get over the shock.

There are not too many days that I don’t think of him & ask myself why, especially around his anniversary which is tomorrow 12yrs now. My how time does fly. It’s good to talk to someone who has been through the loss of a child (no matter what age) because I really don’t think anyone knows what it’s like until they have lost a child.

Adam my middle son met a lovely girl Sheree, not long after Paul died & she was a tower of strength for him she came along at the right time ( I love her for that) they are now married with two lovely daughters, Darian 11yrs. & Kayley 9yrs.

Brendan my youngest who is a year older that your Sam is working & living in Sydney at the Buddhist community centre he does all their computer graphic work like advertising/fliers/photography (he is actually a photographer by trade) and he has also learnt the art of meditation and teaches it now to groups he is happy doing that. He had a long relationship with a lovely girl but after a few years they drifted apart he never ever got over the breakup (sad really because I liked her a lot) But things happen

I was so happy to read that you met your lovely man Philip (with 1 L)
I also was divorced & met a lovely man Don (with 1 N) he helped me a lot to get over Paul’s death. I didn’t know one could shed so many tears & still have more.

I am happy for Rob too that he met a lovely girl & your daughters seem to be doing ok as well. I’m so pleased everything has worked out ok for you all. You certainly deserve to be happy.

Elizabeth Rose

Dear Helen
Stunning is the word. I have just finished reading Cleo - what a wonderful way with words you have. It is a particularly real topic for me, and lots of the little observational phrases touched their similar homes in my soul. I am firmly convinced that somewhere out there exists the invisible Mothers Club of dead children, forever linked by their common loss. People with whom you do not have to be close to friendship wise, but who, when they ask you how you are - not only really want to know - but understand.

My 12 year old son was killed in 1989 whilst he and my older son, then 14, were out on a bike ride. We live in a small country town in central victoria. My husband at the time was the village GP and within three years of the accident our marriage fell apart. In a small town an accident like we experienced attracted lots of publicity and just the amount of flowers arriving on a daily basis was quite overwhleming. ( In fact the local florist came and saw me and said he had orders for 72 floral arrangements and suggested he give me the gift cards for them, but deliver them at one or two a week until the orders were filled.) Then there were the plates - now that comment I really identified with. I lost our home in my divorce and when the kids and I were packing we found two huge piles of plates stuck away in a cupboard - no names or numbers on the bottom - they'd come with all those cakes and sandwiches - off to the op shop with them. 

Thank you once again,
With very best wishes
Nme withheld

Hi Helen
I was just reading the article in Your Weekend out of the Waikato Weekend times and just wanted to say my cat which my daughter found for me as a kitten healed me in a huge way. I had been emotionally wounded through the experience of miscarrying and this little kitten whom we called Dozer became my little healer and he still is a few years later he really is amazing and he gives so much love but I might add on his own terms but always at the right moment, so I can't wait to read your book.

Thank you Helen for sharing your story.
Sue Rhodes from Hamilton New Zealand

Dear Helen,

I have just read your book Cleo, How an uppity cat helped heal a family, from cover to cover over the weekend. To just say thank you doesn't seem sufficient, but as you would know words can seldom do justice to grief or to those who assist us in some way to cope. Our precious son Jamie was killed in a car accident on 18 October 2008. As we now are in October 2009 our grief (my husband, and three other children) moves into another phase I guess, now that Jamie has been gone for almost a year. 

I have never written to the author of a book that I have enjoyed before, but I don't think that I have ever identified so much with your experience. My story about a cat and a boy is different from yours but similar in a way. Jamie was left to help our tiny runt of the litter manx cat deliver her kittens when the rest of us went away on holiday, we were meeting friends in Nelson so we had to leave, we stayed home as long as we could but Bobbies labour was not progressing.  It ended up that Jamie and his girlfriend (they were both 17yrs) were left to assist the vet deliver by caesarian two little kittens, they had to massage their hearts until they breathed. Jamie and Amy named the kittens, Jamie called one cat Banjo, he did this because Banjo was a tabby manx, with 7 toes on each foot...! Our son Jamie was enormous, at 17 he was 6" 3. White blond dreadlocks, huge feet, pierced eyebrow and lip, topaz blue eyes, and loved his job as a builder’s apprentice.  To Neill (husband) and I  Banjo is much like Jamie, he is huge, massively affectionate and he loves us to bits. 

We have been devastated to lose Jamie, but we recognise a little of Jamie (if that is possible) in the massive cat that has huge feet (apparently 7 toed cats are quite rare and sought after), a true one in a million spirit, like our dead child. 

I truly loved your book, especially the chapter about Robs 9th birthday, and about Robs description of how those of us who have suffered massive grief, no longer get so worried about a lost wallet, aye? And I identified with you about enjoying a rowdy boy birthday party, why did we ever want to control that exuberance? 

Anyway Helen, I admire your courage and take my hat off to you for surviving all that you have. Thank you so much for helping me in this hard time coming up to the first anniversary of our spectacular son Jamie's death.

Very kind regards
Denise O’Reilly

Please excuse my familiarity but I feel I know you as I have just finished reading Cleo. Although I wanted to read it in one sitting I made myself treat it as a box of chocolates that should be savoured such was my pleasure in reading your wonderful story.

At first I was reluctant to write to you as it would be in comparison to inviting a master chef to my home for dinner but I plucked up the courage so here I am. I too lost a son – my first born at 14 weeks. Doctors have never been able to determine the cause of cot death. Your pain became my pain and I confess I read this part of Cleo with tears in my eyes. There was no counselling 43 years ago but reading your story helped me understand my reactions to my grief in many ways so similar to yours.

Life has moved on as it has to and I now have a son and daughter and five grandchildren. We will always however have a special space in our hearts for another.

Ten years ago my husband Harry told me of a friend’s cat who had kittens in her wardrobe. It’s not a good idea to tell me of a kitten needing a home. We already had a beautiful tabby called Polly but after much persuasion he arranged for us to see the three kittens. Two were identical to Polly but next to them was a very small black one who immediately had my heart. We called her Chloe and I am happy to say our life has never been the same since. Again like your Cleo she too is a cat goddess. As I read your story I could identify with all the mannerisms and adventures. She is at her best when visitors arrive and spends the first hour demonstrating all her party tricks especially if she can determine they are not quite “cat people” – much more fun.

Helen I wish to thank you for your wonderful book. It was a father’s day present from Chloe to Harry and he too enjoyed it immensely. I am sure you will receive many letters. Of appreciation and it must be very gratifying to know how much pleasure you have brought.

Very sincerely,
Bev Evans
NSW